Tag: emotion

May 28, 2018

~ Campjustin ~ Leave a comment

The doctors told me the reason I can’t walk much is because I have weak lung power.

It’s NOT lung power. It’s endurance.

So what if I get short of breath when I start walking? Everyone gets short of breath when they start jogging. That’s what I’m comparing walking to: jogging. Right now, walking feels like jogging. Your heart beats louder, you get short of breath, and you want to stop. The only difference is my heart rate doesn’t increase.

Before transplant I felt the same thing while running that I’m feeling now while walking. Before transplant, when I ran, my heart beats louder, and I got SUPER short of breath. In fact, I got so out of breath and my heart beat so loud I had to stop. It’s the same thing now (well, actually it’s a milder version), only that now it’s walking. See? It’s about endurance. If I had more endurance I’d still be feeling short of breath, but only during exercise.

July 24, 2018

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Today is my doctor’s appointment, and tomorrow I’ll leave the Ronald McDonald house. July 27 is 3 months post transplant, but since I’ve been very healthy I get to leave early. I don’t know whether I’m happy or sad, but I know once I leave I’m officially “healthy”.

July 25, 2018

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Today I left Ronald McDonald house. It couldn’t be more bittersweet.

For one, the Ronald McDonald house was probably the happiest time of my life. I met a lot of people that I became friends with. They provided a network of support which is hard to leave. Everyday was also an adventure. I could walk across to the mall, get food from the common area, talk to people in the kitchen, or explore downtown Palo Alto.

On the other side, I’m glad to leave. I hate being in the hospital. Leaving means I’m healthy, and I want to be normal again. Even though I’ll have a hard time being “normal” again once school starts, I will be.

I’ll always remember my time at the Ronald McDonald house. I’ve met so many people that had amazing stories. I’ll always keep them in my mind.

September 20, 2018

~ Campjustin ~ 6 Comments

Nicole died today.

Nicole is a 10 year old girl battling heart failure and she’s been in the hospital since May. She was born with a non functioning right artery. As a result, she needed to replace her artery with a mechanical one. As she grows up, her heart grows too and she needs her artery replaced, thus this being her 5th open heart surgery.

In summary of her hospital stay, she didn’t wake up immediately from surgery. After she woke up, her kidneys started to fail, She had to be placed on dialysis. After that she had a stroke. The left side of her was completely paralyzed. As a last option, she was placed on the heart transplant list. She was monitored relentlessly by the doctors, but after her code blue today she didn’t make it. A code blue is an emergency situation announced in a hospital of a person in cardiac arrest.

Nicole’s dad owned multiple restaurant chains. At age 18, he built his own restaurant with his own hands. When Nicole asked him to be with her, he sold his restaurant chains and moved in to her city. Nicole’s sister suffered too. When she was offered to stay with her grandparents she said, “No. I want to be with Nicole.” Nicole was only 10, but she already had a boyfriend. He was the son of the pastor. Nicole was a devout Christian. Everyone in her town knew her, and her town’s church group stood in a circle for an hour praying to her. Tw days before today Nicole changed her name to Nicole Faith. The first thing her dad posted on FaceBook was “Nicole got her wings today”.

The worst my Mom and I thought Nicole would be is half crippled. We never expected her to pass. Next time at Stanford, Nicole won’t be in her room. She’ll be in a casket. In her room will be another patient.

You can help. 6,775 people die each day in the United States. If every one of them was an organ donor, Nicole would’ve been saved. Please register to become an organ donor. An inconvenience of a few clicks can save someone else’s life.

Follow the steps, and you can save another Nicole.

October 2, 2018

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Today was the Pink Dot Club’s meeting. It was supposed to be dedicated to Nicole, but instead the club officers talked 90% of the time about a guy that got detention for criticizing his Honors English teacher.

Nicole was a beautiful girl that died at 10 (see September 20, 2018). For her entire 10 years, she has fought to be alive. Every year she had to be back in the hospital for another painful surgery. Club officers, do you even know, can you imagine, do you understand the pain? The pain that she and her family goes through? Her dad sold his restaurant chain to be with her daughter. Her mom always  with Nicole at her side. Her sister choose to stay with her instead of her grandparents. She said “I love Nicole, and I want to be with her.”

Club officers, that guy that got sent to detention because he confessed that he hated Ms. Hewitt or whatever has nothing to do with the club. Yet you spent more time on him than Nicole during the meeting that was supposed to be dedicated to her. Club officers, that guy is alive. He is breathing, he is eating, he isn’t in pain. Nicole is dead.

Club officers, I wonder how much you even care about your own club. Why are you officers of this club, when you can’t even dedicate a meeting without talking about your AP classes? Oh wait, I know! College! Club officers, you’re only here because you want to get into a good college. None of you care that a 10 year old girl is dead, you only care that it’ll look good on your college applications.

Nicole was in so much pain, she woke up screaming. She would curse and shout at the nurses until they put her back into a coma. Club officers, I hope that one day, you’ll realize how conceited you guys are. You guys do nothing to help those in the hospital. Oh my god “I made cards! I’m doing a dance vid for those in the hospital!” Except you’re doing that because you want to. None of you will actually go on a school day, skip your APs, and visit them in the hospital right?

December 6, 2018

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I’ve been sneezing and blowing my nose all day.

I’m scared that I’m sick. I don’t want to be sick.

I don’t want my heart to be rejected by my body. Or my heart to have an infection.

Okay, so if I’m sick, is it really that bad? There’s a very little chance of that happening.

There’s still a chance though.

Idk maybe I’m just too worried.

I do everything to protect myself from being sick. In school when someone even coughs I instantly switch seats to the back of the classroom. I never participate in activities outside because I don’t want to get cold or muddy.

Oh wait… yes I do! Yes I do!

Everyday I swim at night.

Everyday I swim at night!

The one thing that’s supposed to be shielding my heart from infections, is giving my heart infections?

It’s also December. Ever since late November it’s been more and more cold.

Well, I have a doctors appointment tomorrow at Stanford.

Should I tell them about this? Is it even important?

They have dying children to take care of. Should I tell them I think I might be sick?

December 23, 2018

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I was wrong about Maddy.

Today I went to Happy Lemon to meet up with Maddy, the Pink Dot Club president. The Pink Dot Club is an organ donation club at my High School.

Remember October 2, 2018? That was the Pink Dot Club meeting which was supposed to be dedicated to Nicole. When Maddy glossed over the fact that Nicole died to talk about a class instead, I got mad.

Here’s an excerpt from my journal entry:

Club officers, that guy that got sent to detention because he confessed that he hated Ms. Hewitt or whatever has nothing to do with the club. Yet you spent more time on him than Nicole during the meeting that was supposed to be dedicated to her. Club officers, that guy is alive. He is breathing, he is eating, he isn’t in pain. Nicole is dead.


Club officers, I wonder how much you even care about your own club. Why are you officers of this club, when you can’t even dedicate a meeting without talking about your AP classes? Oh wait, I know! College! Club officers, you’re only here because you want to get into a good college. None of you care that a 10 year old girl is dead, you only care that it’ll look good on your college applications.

Yeah, that’s a little passive aggressive. Or just aggressive.

Later that day I emailed Amy McCarthy, someone who had a kidney transplant. This is another excerpt:

I thought the Pink Dot Club (the transplant club at Foothill) would be different but it’s exactly the same. Even the club president cares more about her 4 AP classes than she does about the patients at Stanford and UCSF.


Sometimes I feel like I want to drop out of school. I don’t want to be surrounded by people talking about APs or Colleges or Test Answers or SATs. It makes me angry how everyone only cares about themselves: what grades they have, what classes they have, what friends they have!

Reflecting back, I wasn’t angry because they ignored Nicole. Deep down inside, I think I was mad because I would never fit in with them.

If they glossed over Nicole’s death, then it implies they care more about their classes than someone that just died.

And their entire premise is for organ donation, and helping those waiting for an organ.

If they don’t care about organ donation, then where do I go?

Well, I was wrong. Or at least about Maddy.

Maddy is doing the Pink Dot Club because she wants to, not because of college. In fact, she didn’t even have college on her mind when creating this club.

It was because her cousin (who’s also named Justin) died from a heart disease.

I thought, “Her cousin just gave her the idea, but she did this for college.”

I was wrong, so I’m sorry Maddy.

August 21, 2019 – Brayden Died

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Brayden died? Brayden died.

I just heard of his death today. My mom told me in the car. But he didn’t die today, he died on November 7, 2018.

I had to scroll down on his Facebook page, Brayden’s Brave Heart, to find the date of his death, and it broke my heart. 

Even after his death, his Mom posts daily with pictures of Brayden and reminiscing about his time alive. And not only that, Brayden has impacted so many others. Did you know that they found a stone in Hawaii with #BraydensBraveHeart written on it?

I used Brayden in my YouTube video as an example of why you should donate. I made him a prime example of the success of organ donation.

All this time, I’ve been advocating that life will always be better after transplant. I’ve been doing that even though my doctors always emphasized “transplant is a treatment, not a cure.”

Brayden deserves better. He deserved to live.

He’s fought so hard to be alive. Why is life so unfair.

Brayden was always impacting lives. Even after death, he’ll be impacting lives. He’s impacted mine. 🙏