May 12, 2018

I hate the night.

The night is horrible. I can’t sleep so I just stay up and stare into the wall.

Before I went to slept I talked to a nurse. She told me that it was normal for me to be sad. She took care of other heart transplant people and said they were sad after transplant too.

She told me all the sensations were normal. The heart pounding, hot and cold, and inability to sleep was normal.  For the heart pounding my heart was adjusting to my new body. For my hot and cold sensations, my circulation is going crazy because my heart’s pumping abnormally.

Then why would the doctors not tell me about this in the transplant education? Last year, before I was put on the transplant list, I was educated about everything of transplant by a doctor. Yet they never said anything about heart pounding or hot and cold sensations.

I expected pain. I expected a giant cut down my chest. I expected being in the hospital for a long time. I did not expect my heart and pounding. I did not expect my hot and cold sensations. I did not expect an emotional rollercoaster.

The nurse told me about an orphan baby. An orphan had a heart transplant at this hospital. Since he had no parents to take care of him, she would cradle him in her breaks.

I can’t imagine being here without my Mom. Some children’s parents don’t stay with them at the hospital. What kind of parents do that? I couldn’t imagine choosing work over my child in the hospital.

Now I know that my sensations are normal. Then when does it start to go away?

Does the knowledge that my sensations are normal help me? Yes. I’ve been questioning whether transplant was right for me, so at least I know I’m not dying.

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