Tag: why me

April 30, 2018

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3rd day post transplant!

Oh I ate breakfast today! Which is great. Since my breathing tube is out, I have the ability to eat. The fact that I’m eating is telling me that my appetite is coming back.

Also, my grandma visited me today. It was nice seeing her.

The physical therapists came again today.

It’s so much pain. And so uncomfortable. There’s so much stuff inside me. These tubes… the hot and cold… the palpitations.

I don’t know how I’ll survive like this. I can’t survive like this. Even if it’s only for one week.

When will this stop?

Was transplant even right for me? This heart feels worse than my damaged heart. What if this was a mistake, and everything is screwed up for me?

I can’t help but feel so sad. Everyone in my grade is preparing for finals. I want to be preparing for finals. I want to study until 1 AM and stressed. I want to be at school. I want to be normal!

Why did I have to be the one to have this super rare disease! I can’t… why??? Why ME!

May 6, 2018

~ Campjustin ~ 2 Comments

My English teacher visited me today. She’s my Honors English teacher. To be clear, she’s the English teacher that failed me.

So when I was picking classes in 8th grade I picked Honors English because honors (I wanted to be smart alright). I had NO idea I would’ve been in and out of the hospital for my entire Freshman year at High School. I was set back in her class, and she gave me a D. What kind of English teacher fails their student then visits them at the hospital?

She gave me cards that my class made for me. If I’m going to be honest, I don’t care about the cards at all. I know that the class just made it in fake kindness. They’ll feel bad for a moment, do their “kind” part, then move on.

Sorry, maybe I shouldn’t say that. I’m just so angry! I’m in all this pain everyday. I… I’m struggling to keep my sanity intact.

Maybe I don’t even deserve the cards. What have I done? Complain all day thinking the world was about me? What was I expecting?

Reality is harsh. Out of the 50 million people that could’ve had hypereosinophilia, it was ME. What awesome luck.

If it wasn’t because of that I could’ve had a way better life. I could’ve been a soccer player, been way taller than 5’3”, not had any blood draws in my entire life, and been normal. I COULD’VE BEEN AN ATHLETE!

Oh my god what are these fluctuating emotions.

May 7, 2018

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They told me if I take this sleeping medication I would fall asleep. It’s 2 AM.

I should be happy with my heart transplant. Not everyone even gets this chance. But I’m not happy.

I want to end my pain. I did not expect this pain. At all.

I can’t sleep because I’m extremely hot. So hot I’m sweating.

I’m experiencing a hot and cold sensation. My circulation is crazy because of my new heart. When I lie down, I feel like I just entered the sauna. Then the heat just keeps on increasing until it’s unbearable. When I pull my blankets off me, I get super cold. It’s like I traveled from the sauna to an 5 AM freezing outdoor swimming pool.

Sitting up isn’t an easy task. I have to squeeze a pillow around my incision area, and do a crunch. Especially being so sore, it takes a lot of effort.

Even when I do catch a break with sleep, I keep getting woken up from the machines beeping, the nurse checking blood pressure, sudden need to use the restroom, and most often the unbearable heat.

At least when the sun is up I have things to do. I can eat, watch movies, talk to my Mom. and… well that’s it. I’m in too much pain to do any homework or work on anything else. I don’t have any video games to play, and the video games in my room are broken. But at least I have something to do!

In the hospital, time is against you. An hour is a day, a day is a month, and a month is a year. If I could somehow speed up time, I would.

At night I usually just stare into the darkness and think. I’ve been having a lot of dark thoughts from all the pain. I’m not suicidal, but I just want the pain to end.

Why me? Why did I have to get this heart transplant? Why did I have to get a heart transplant in the first place?

Was a heart transplant the right choice? I don’t think it is. My new heart is way worse than my old heart. What if I stay this way forever? Then what will happen? I can’t live like this.

July 6, 2018

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I swam for the first time in seven years today!

I’ll start off with the swimming. I quit swimming when I was eight. I didn’t see the point in it since it only made me exhausted, and there were no results. I was swimming for 3 years, and I only managed to build up from 10 laps, 250 yards, to 12 laps, 300 yards. Swimming for me was exhausting. I wouldn’t even be halfway through a lap until my heart started pounding, my breathing would become desperate, my ears started ringing, and my vision would be blurry. That was my life.

It makes me sad that I couldn’t play sports like my classmates. If it wasn’t for my heart I would’ve advanced in swimming, maybe be on a team. Maybe I could’ve gotten a scholarship to college if it wasn’t for my heart. I could’ve played other sports too, like soccer or basketball.

After seven years of not swimming, I felt so much better in the water. The water soothed my joints and massaged my muscles. Immediately after transplant I was so sore that I couldn’t even stand.

I plan to start swimming as a sport. As I mentioned above, with my damaged heart I didn’t have the ability to play sports and therefore I was sad. After transplant I have a chance, and I’ll take it.

January 10, 2019

~ Campjustin ~ 1 Comment

Someone from my school’s yearbook team interviewed me today.

Her name is Arushi Avachat. She was, like, super professional. She’d make an awesome journalist.

My school will include me in their yearbook. Woohoo! They’ll give me two pages about my heart transplant and my blog.

I met Arushi during study hall. Study hall is pretty new to my school, and it’s kinda meh.

First she asked me questions about my condition, and what led to my heart transplant (If you also want to know visit About Me). Then she asked me questions about my blog. Who do I hope to reach, what is my message, and why I did it.

I think a question that caught me off guard was when Arushi asked me what I wanted people to know about me.

I answered that I wanted people to know that there was more to me than my heart transplant.

But is that true?

I mean, what other qualities do I have other than as someone who had a heart transplant? Other than my heart transplant, how exactly am I unique?

In the hospital before my heart transplant, I met other people and their only defining trait was their condition. I was afraid of becoming one of them, and guess what? I’m one of them.

I think that scares me. My life revolved around my heart transplant, and it still does.

I literally have a blog about it!

How do I move on?

Should I move on?

Oh! A fun fact! I didn’t write all these journal entries at their assigned date. I was WAY too uncomfortable in the hospital to write anything. However, my Mom took tons of pictures, so I just went back to the pictures to remember every thought, memory, and feeling.

It’s actually great that my blog will be in the yearbook. I really need exposure. I think the most views I got in a day so far was 8.

So yeah.

Woohoo! Yearbook!