March 24, 2019

I just realized something today, that I probably should’ve realized sooner: I’m going to die young.

I’m going to die at 30.

You might not know this, but a heart doesn’t last forever after transplant. The average heart after transplant lasts for 15 years.

I got my heart transplant when I was 15, and the average heart lasts for 15 years. I’m going to die at 30.

I’m not scared, which is weird. I’m not afraid, because it’s so long away.

15 years seems so longs, but 15 years also seems so short.

And it’s not fair. It’s so not fair.

An average person could eat junk food all their life, never exercise a day in their life, and never go to the hospital, and still die of old age. Me, I have to eat “nutritiously”, exercise six times a week, and go to the hospital semiannually, and die at 30.

Why do I have to suffer through pain just to stay alive?

Sure, I could get another heart transplant at 30, but I have to suffer through THAT again. And I really don’t want to. Also, let’s be real, if I had a heart transplant every 15 years, then I’d have to have 4,5 hearts to live until old age.

Lizzy, the person I met at the transplant reunion party, had her heart for 30 years. Could I be like that? Sure, but that’s only 30 years.

I would still have to have another transplant to live until age 75 (assuming my second heart also lasts 15 years). And what happens with that transplant?

Once one organ starts to fail, all your other organs start to fail. With my second heart transplant, will I need a double transplant? Will I need a kidney transplant, liver transplant, lung transplant, along with it?

And the heart transplant list is so uncertain. I was lucky to get a heart in 2 weeks (which is unheard of, by the way), but next time I’m not going to be as lucky. I could wait on the list for years.

I could die on the list.

Chronic heart failure happens so fast that it gets out of control. It’s like an exponential decay graph, and it’s out of our hands.

It makes me mad. When my classmates are settling down with their spouses, buying their first house, having kids, I won’t be there.

And I hate it.

I came here all this way to do what, do it again?


I know I’ve probably scared you, or depressed you, but I’ve thought about, and I’m okay with the thought about not living until old age.

Lamenting and moping about my life isn’t going to help, and it won’t make myself better. I want to choose hope, so I will choose hope.

Medical research is growing at an exponential rate, and by the time I’m 50 there will definitely be new discoveries.

Maybe I won’t live forever, but I’ll live long enough. Fifteen years is pretty long, and who knows, maybe it’ll be longer.

Some people live more in 20 years than others do in 80. It’s not the time that matters, it’s the person.

David Tennant

October 9, 2019 – Talking About Death

So I hate it when people preach as if they’re the masters of the Universe, and that’s why I’ll try not to. I know people hate it when they’re lectured by someone else, especially by a sixteen-year-old. 

These are just my thoughts. Or my philosophies of life (oh boy, get ready for all the corny cliches!). If you agree with them, cool! 👍

I don’t know where to start. It seems like I think of this all the time, but once I want to write it down my mind goes blank.

I guess I can start by saying my blog doesn’t get a lot of views. Which is fine, but I wished it had a bit more.

I try very hard. And it doesn’t show. People mistake me for having the perfect life, but I’m not that perfect.

I put myself out there because I can. I’m a pretty open book (with a few scandalous secrets), and some people don’t agree with that. They can’t imagine doing that but that’s fine. 

I don’t want fame, I want a legacy. Which is, y’know, same-same but not really. I don’t care about the tabloids or fans begging me for their autographs, I want to make an impact on this world.

My goal in life is to create a legacy for myself. I don’t want to be pessimistic, but I should be realistic: it’s most likely not going to happen.

I have this type of mindset because I don’t want to waste my life. Being in the hospital, I saw so many people not make it. It’s just not right.

We all have to die at some point, but why in their youth? I mean…

It’s different how in our society we value the youth more than the adult. At least in my view, the loss of someone young is more emotional because they didn’t have a chance to live a full life. They had a lot of potential to be something, do something, create something and now it’s just gone.

An adult dies and we’re like “okay.” They already lived their life; they became someone, did something, created something. So when an adult dies its less sad.

Which is weird? Because my mom told me, in China it’s the opposite (I could be totally wrong though). China used to be an impoverished country and children died all the time. You could always pop out another,

But when an adult dies you mourn that the individual who was there and did so much good isn’t here anymore. They’re gone.

I just think we’re all scared of death. I feel you could be ninety or ten, Pope Francis or atheist, assassinated or peacefully, we’re at least a little bit scared of it.

I’m scared of death.

I try not to be, but I’m such a weenie. And I know it’s not normal for someone my age to think of death that often, but my entire thing is death.

Organ donation is about death. I have a dead person’s heart in my body. Someone had to die for me to live. 

If I ignored this chunk of my life, I could probably be normal, but I don’t think I can. I’m such a wuss.

It’s ridiculously easy to die. Just put a gun against your head and *boom* you’re dead. 

It’s the uncertainty of death that scares me. And I don’t want to be scared right now, so I won’t go into it.

But there is one thing I live by: the only certainty is uncertainty. Which is what I apply to myself.

Especially right now, everyone around me is talking “in the future I want to be…” or “in the future I want to…” The thing is, what if there is no future?

Do you consider the fact that a car could run you over and bam! Dead. Or a shooter could come into the school and then that’s it? 

They don’t take it into account because they think the future is guaranteed. Also, what kind of freak thinks about death?

Everyday is a blessing. It really is. 

The fact that I’m able to wake up, stretch my arms, and hit the snooze button to go back to sleep is a blessing.

In my opinion, “live everyday to the fullest” is such baloney (I told myself I shouldn’t curse on this blog). I can’t live everyday like it’s my last! I don’t have that kind of energy. 

What I try to do is appreciate the fact that I’m alive. The fact that I’m alive, well, and not in pain.

Some people take life as a blessing. Some people take life as a curse. Whatever you take it, life is life. Life is weird. 🤷‍♂️ Oh well. What can you do.

If you don’t notice, I’m a little aggressive. In a year I’ve started a blog, authored a cookbook, been on TV, been on Tasty, and go to multiple speaking events.

I’m aggressive because I want to build a legacy. I want to build a legacy so I can die happy.

Death is ridiculously easy. But when I die, I don’t want my death to be scarier or sadder than it should be. I want to make my death as easy and peaceful as I can.

And I know that living your life just for one moment in time may seem wrong, but in my opinion, it’s not. It guarantees me to live a fulfilled life.

Claire Wineland said that when she died, she had a fear not for death, but for what she hadn’t done. She regretted the times she had the ability to do something, and she didn’t.

I know that my blog will probably never take off, but that’s fine. I’m satisfied with what it’s done. 

My blog will always be (or hopefully 🤞, you can’t be certain) online. It’ll outlive me and be available for whoever is interested in it.

Anyways, that’s just what I think. I decided to write this because I’ve been lazy and wanted to update my blog. So yeah!

Hello future Justin Wang! Are you still alive? How are you?