Everything is painful. What is this in my neck, an IV? That’s painful. What is this in my hand? It’s popping out of the skin like a bulge. I… what??? Actual STAPLES inside me. I use staples to turn in my homework, not seal up a big HOLE.
I feel like I’m going to die. My heart is thudding so loud it might pop out of my chest. What is this? I can’t hear anything because my heart is pounding so loud.
Why are there tubes inside of me? There’s actually tubes inside my chest. They’re sucking excess blood from inside my chest.
I’m so uncomfortable. I’m sweating all over. Why am I so hot? I can’t move and change a position since I’m so sore, which I don’t understand? Before I went into the surgery I could at least sit up.
There’s so much plastic inside me: the chest tubes, IVs, and monitors. There’s also a lot of stuff connected to me to. There’s also bruises on my hands and arms. There’s also a big pole with tons of machines onto it. I guess that’s where all the medications are.
They want to remove my breathing tube. Did I not mention there’s a tube inside my throat? Yeah there’s a tube inside my throat. They want to remove my breathing tube while I’m conscious. And they did. They just yanked it out like tug a rope. At least I can eat and drink now.
There’s also a catheter in my urethra. So… yeah.
I’m heavily drugged, so at least I’m happy about that. I mean they’re giving me pain medication which is great (even though I still feel awful).
I have so much pain. The doctors lied to me. They said that I would have tons of energy after transplant. That’s a lie. I feel horrible. There’s pain everyday. There’s pain always.
Is my heart okay? Was a transplant right for me? This heart works worse than my damaged heart. What if all this pain was for nothing?
This heart is always pounding. Every second I’m awake I can feel and hear it. It’s always THUD, THUD, THUD.
I have anxiety because of the heart transplant. I have never had anxiety as bad as this before transplant. What if this heart stops pounding? My staples feel like they’re going to pop and my chest is going to open up.
I HATE THIS POLE. Why is there such a big pole next to me! There’s tons of cords coming from my body. I always get myself tangled. There’s more plastic in me than the Pacific Ocean.
Why the hot and cold sensations? One moment I’m hot, the next moment I’m cold. I can’t sleep because of this (and also the pain). I lie down and in minutes I start sweating. I sit up and I’m instantly freezing.
Physical therapy is the worst. They want me to walk around the unit three times a day. I can barely sit, not even walk. When I walk I have to constantly take breaks. I also have to concentrate to not trip and fall over my lines connected to my IVs, which sucks.
I try to distract myself from the horribleness of this situation by watching TV. Nothing can distract myself from the pain. It’s always nagging and tugging at me. Like, why?
I’m so sad. I can’t explain how sad I am. Everything seems hopeless. This heart transplant was supposed to be my treatment, but it’s not working. All it’s brought was pain.