I think I’m losing hope.
My G-tube doctor is going to start me on new medication. It’s going to stimulate my appetite.
Since August, I haven’t gained any weight. If I don’t gain weight, then my G-tube is never going to be out.
I’m so sad.
Everyone can eat! That’s what being normal is. Eating is normal. I’m not normal.
The main reason why I want my G-tube out is because I want to be normal. No one else has a G-tube, so why should I?
Yet.. yet I can’t survive without it. That makes me sad.
I thought I was doing so good. I’m eating and exercising. My health is my number one priority, yet I’m not taking care of it?
I eat before school, at school, right after school, and then a meal for dinner. I even have a cookbook!
And it’s not working!!!
Everyone has opposite problems. Everyone just eats and eats, even if they’re full. I wish I could be like that.
Just because my problem is the opposite from everyone else’s doesn’t mean it’s not any less significant.
I’m also nervous about starting the medication.
When I started the Amiodarone, it interacted with my blood thinners and sent me to the hospital. If somehow the pills interact with my other medications and I need to be sent to the hospital, then that’ll suck a lot.
Of course I can just not take the medication. But I don’t know if I trust myself. I thought I was doing great, but noooooo.
It was predicted that by February I would get my G-tube out, but now it’s not a when but if question. If I don’t gain weight by February then I’ll have to get back onto the feeding.
So what am I going to do about it?
In the Ronald McDonald House, I always pushed my endurance everyday. I have a problem that I can overcome with some work.
For one, I have a scale. I can check my weight. Maybe not daily (I don’t know if I’m dedicated enough for that), but at least more than once a week. Secondly, I can snacks throughout the day. When I’m doing my homework, when I’m sitting in class, or when I’m being lazy.
The future of my body depends on these 4 months between today and March. I need to gain weight.