"Although the world is full of suffering, it is also full of the overcoming of it." – Helen Keller
When I went to go swimming today, I saw my classmate in the locker room.
He’s better than me in every way: better grades, better friends, and better looks.
He was also changing into a swimsuit.
I didn’t want to swim with him in the pool.
Guess what I did.
I left.
I left the locker room and didn’t go swimming.
I don’t want to show off how terrible I am compared to him.
What the point of this journal entry?
Idk.
I guess I don’t have a point.
I had a swimming session today. I’m still pretty bad at swimming, but I’m getting better. I don’t think I have the confidence to actually swim in front of a classmate (see December 16, 2018).
My appetite medication was approved by the doctors at Stanford. They said that other patients also take them.
I don’t think I actually want to take them.
The reason is that I don’t want to get help for something as basic as eating. That’s a little embarrassing.
I think I’ll just eat.
But can I eat?
I don’t know.
I took my medicine at 10:41 AM. I was supposed to take it at 8:45 AM.
Obviously 1 missed dose won’t kill me, but I don’t know what could’ve happened during the two hours the immunosuppressants worn off.
I’m going to be more careful now.
Today I took my medication at 1PM. I was supposed to take it at 8:45 AM.
My alarm clock must’ve not gone off. But I checked my iPhone and the alarm was still set for 8:45 AM every day!
I already missed two doses: one today and one December 24, 2018. My body is very sensitive to the immunosuppressants, so I really hope that nothing drastic happened with those missed doses.
In psychology, I watched a video about how teenagers purposely missed multiple doses, and they all died. I’m not going to die, but I don’t want my heart to be damaged.
Kayano didn’t get his kidney transplant.
The doctors looked at the kidney and said that the kidney wasn’t any good.
Kayano must feel horrible.
I mean, what a great way to crush all hopes and dreams!
God, this is so sad. What a big oof.
I took the appetite pill for the first time today.
When I visited the G-tune doctor on December 12, 2019, he said that I needed to gain 10 pounds by March.
He prescribed me appetite pills, but I never took them.
Why?
I feel that I can gain weight without having to take medication. I mean, anything is possible, right?
Well my Mom obviously thinks I can’t, so I took my appetite pills today.
Someone from my school’s yearbook team interviewed me today.
Her name is Arushi Avachat. She was, like, super professional. She’d make an awesome journalist.
My school will include me in their yearbook. Woohoo! They’ll give me two pages about my heart transplant and my blog.
I met Arushi during study hall. Study hall is pretty new to my school, and it’s kinda meh.
First she asked me questions about my condition, and what led to my heart transplant (If you also want to know visit About Me). Then she asked me questions about my blog. Who do I hope to reach, what is my message, and why I did it.
I think a question that caught me off guard was when Arushi asked me what I wanted people to know about me.
I answered that I wanted people to know that there was more to me than my heart transplant.
But is that true?
I mean, what other qualities do I have other than as someone who had a heart transplant? Other than my heart transplant, how exactly am I unique?
In the hospital before my heart transplant, I met other people and their only defining trait was their condition. I was afraid of becoming one of them, and guess what? I’m one of them.
I think that scares me. My life revolved around my heart transplant, and it still does.
I literally have a blog about it!
How do I move on?
Should I move on?
Oh! A fun fact! I didn’t write all these journal entries at their assigned date. I was WAY too uncomfortable in the hospital to write anything. However, my Mom took tons of pictures, so I just went back to the pictures to remember every thought, memory, and feeling.
It’s actually great that my blog will be in the yearbook. I really need exposure. I think the most views I got in a day so far was 8.
So yeah.
Woohoo! Yearbook!
Tomorrow I’ll meet with my G-tube doctor, and he’ll decide if it’s time to pull the G-tube out.
I’m scared, because in the past I’ve never had a good experience with that doctor. Like, never.
The G-tube is something I rely on, and it’s been hard trying to quit. I’m sorry if I’m not chronically ill enough for your sympathy.
Also, thinking about March 24, 2019, I have to go through with this entire process in fifteen years. Do I even need to pull it out?
Once it’s out, it’s out. For good.
That means if I slack off on nutrition, or become sick enough that I can’t eat, the door is closed. Forever.
Or if I go through surgery to get it inserted again. 😰
Would it be better in the long run to not remove it? Geez, I don’t want to think about it.