January 22, 2023

Wow… I didn’t think I’d be back here. In all honesty, I never planned on going back to myhearttransplantjournal.com. I created this blog when I was 15 to make sense of the world around me. I was confused… and scared.

I wish I could say that I’m returning on better terms. Sadly, I’m not. I’ve recently had some health scares and I’m scared. I don’t know what’s going on but I hope that it’s nothing.

I want to say that I’m sorry for not updating my journal but I’m not sorry. Also, I’m like the only one who actually reads this journal lol. So I apologize to future Justin for being crass but I’m not sorry because I was out living my beautiful, wonderful life that my new heart allowed me and my heart transplant slowly and surely lightened its grasp on me. I’m not saying I didn’t prioritize my health; of course I prioritized it. But I made room in my heart (hahahaha) for me. I moved to New York, I dated (I f*cked), I did school, and I made some new mistakes, fell down, and got back up again.

However, these health challenges in these past two weeks have reawakened the fear that I’ve carried with me since I was 15. I’m scared for the worst. I don’t even want to say it because I don’t want to say it. I don’t want to speak it. But I don’t want to think about it… and it’s there.

And I don’t know if I have the strength. I know it sounds really bad, but I don’t know if I’m strong enough to go through another heart transplant again, if it came down to it. Because, what if it doesn’t work? What if I gave up my life for nothing? What if I can’t deal with the pain? What if…

I know I’m not supposed to be thinking these thoughts. I’m not supposed to speak them into my life. I have to take these thoughts and bury them deep into my mind, but I’m not able to. I was never good at burying my feelings. I literally have a blog about my feelings.

These fears can feel intoxicating. They can feel like a blanket that buries you under the covers and every time you gasp for air it pulls you down again. There’s no hope and no way out.

Because there’s no way I’m going to end with a dark note: if I know anything, I know that the sun rises every day. I have so much support, from my friends to my family. I know that I can’t do this alone and I’m so lucky I don’t have to do this alone. I will count on the love I have my friends and family to lean on in case life gets too heavy and I can’t stand on my own. I have so much and am so grateful for everything I have.